Insert 19

“Zara, wake up. You need to eat something so that you can take your pills.” I woke with heavy eyes, I couldn’t open them properly. I looked around to see who it was and I just felt defeated. I wanted to shout, throw a tantrum, curse and the works but I just didn’t have the energy. Yes, I am going to shout and scream, do all the crazy shit she was doing before beating me up but where’s that going to get me? I’ll still be beaten up. Shouting at her won’t solve the situation at hand or make me feel any better. As far as I’m concerned, this woman standing in front of me, mothered me and it ends there. She and I will never ever have any relation, whatsoever. I slowly got up from the bed and sat on my butt, I blankly stared at her and all I could say in my mind was, how could you? She stared right back at me and she had tears in her eyes, for what? I don’t know. I will not fall for those crocodile tears. She made her bed now she must lie in it. I raised my brow as in asking her what she wants because I honestly didn’t want to say a word to her. Her:” I brought you supper, I figured you’re hungry and want to take your pills?” She placed the plate of food on the side table. Her:” Oh, and a friend of yours came earlier goes by the name of Sandile. I told him that you’re not feeling well, and that you’ll get back to him when you wake up.”

Did she just say that she told him that I was not feeling well? This bitch! That’s just disrespect, why can’t she just own up to what she did to me? Was it that hard to accept that she’s evil? I was a fool all these years thinking she’s Mother Mary. I just got up from the bed and walked towards the door, I stopped halfway and turned to look at her and she was looking at me. Me:” I’ll make my own food, thank you.” I walked out. I hated the fact that she is acting normal as if I have flu or some sickness, I am not sick, I am perfectly fine except I’m beaten up and limping.

I found my dad in the kitchen going through a newspaper. Me:” Daddy…” I said faintly with a smile. Him:” My angel, how are you feeling?” He smiled. I just shrugged my shoulders, how am I supposed to feel? Like what’s wrong with these people? Him:” Come sit down, we need to talk about something.” He pulled out a chair for me and I sat right next to him. Him:” Uhm… Zara I’m sorry about what happened to you. It was not supposed to happen and your mom feels really bad, she was not thinking straight at the time. Please don’t punish her, she’s already going through a lot and you punishing her will just add on to her problems. Please find it in your heart to forgive her, if you can’t please do it for me…” Hold up, did he just pull a “do it for me” line right now? I can’t believe that my own dad is justifying my “mom’s” actions. No, I am not going to dance to their tune, definitely not! They want to sweep this under the carpet like nothing happened. Does he realize the impact these scars are going to have on my life, now and in the future? Clearly they think this is a minor thing, they’ve got another thing coming… I just looked at my dad in disbelief, a tear escaped my eye. I thought I was his princess, his number one, his ride or die. I really thought he was going to punish mom, and kick her out of the house but no his siding with her. This year is just a nightmare, and to think it’s only January. I don’t think I can handle any other heartbreak, this is too much. I just rested my head on my arms and cried my heart out, I cried so hard. It was really painful to know that I came second to my dad, like his always been my one and only but he didn’t see me that way. He cared more about his wife than me. Him:” Please Zara, stop torturing yourself like this. Eventually you’ll heal, time heals all wounds.” Well time won’t heal my wounds, I wanted to shout that at him but my voice has suddenly disappeared on me. “Let her be Mike, she needs to cry the pain away. Zara baby I’m really sorry.” I got up from the chair, pull yourself together Zee, I said to myself. This is the last time they get to see my tears. I don’t know what’s going on but I refuse to be the pawn in their game. Me:” I’m craving KFC, can I call a friend to come fetch me so I can go buy it?” I asked faintly. Dad:” I can take you, you’re my daughter after all.” Me:” No… I just want fresh air away from this house and its people.” I looked down. Mom:” But I cooked your favourite meal Zara.” Me:” I don’t want cooked food, I want KFC!!!” I snapped. Me:” Please…” I whispered. I started sobbing. Me:” I just want to get out of this house for an hour or two, please, I’m begging you.” I sniffed. I had tears in my eyes and I stood next to dad begging him to allow me to get out and breath. I just can’t be under the same roof with these people. Suddenly I was getting claustrophobic, I started hyperventilating. This was definitely a panic attack. Mom:” Zara you need to breathe calmly. It’s okay, you can go with your friend but you must come back home.” I did a breathing exercise and went to my bedroom so that I could call Sands to come fetch me. I know he stays far from my area but I know he’ll drop whatever his doing to come to me, he cares about me that much and no, I’m not taking advantage of him. With that said, I called him and he said that he is busy with something at the moment but will come through in an hour’s time. I wanted to cry because he couldn’t come right away but i was grateful that his coming.